Photo: Bravo via YouTube
Wow, what an exciting episode this was! We have two great swimmers causing tons of drama in their wake: Solène in the first half (did you see her butterfly?!) and guest Kelly in the second half (who claimed “You have no fucking idea how much of a good swimmer I am”). It didn’t seem like anyone could one-up Solène, but Kelly really swooped in and made it all about her.
The crew is on their day off at the beach club, where Jess and Bárbara just kissed. Kyle tells Solène he’s bowing out of the love triangle, or pentagon, or whatever shape it is. He’s not going to try to kiss her anymore. Solène quickly moves on to Damo, who might be the first person ever to pair a Budgy Smuggler (Speedo) with a newsboy cap. How Solène is able to have a serious conversation with him as he holds her like a baby in the pool — wearing the hat — I have no idea. This woman is unflinching in her pursuits. Damo asks if people being scared to get too close to her is a pattern; both Jess and Kyle have backed off because of the way she treated them. Solène feels “like a baby shit in the street,” which is to say, people are walking on the other side to avoid her. Damo officially throws his (ugly) hat in the ring to be Solène’s only kissee. She and Damo make out in the pool, mere feet away from poor random tourists and their coworkers, including Kyle. Kyle’s peeved because Damo knew how he felt about Solène. Damo admits that he’s in a selfish period of his life: “Am I a bad friend? Probably.”
Solidifying the new couples, Bárbara and Jess kiss some more in the car. I know yachties are notoriously close and touchy, but why does Jess have her hand on Kyle’s leg during it? Anyway, these two new couples are not long-lasting. Back at Casa Amor, Solène swims in a see-through dress and gets the attention she clearly desires. She comes onto Jess as everyone looks on, pissed. When we cut back to them, Solène’s top is off (?!?) and they’re making out. Well, Solène is licking Jess, who seems unsure how much to reciprocate. This is all going down only an hour after she said she only wanted to kiss Bárbara! Bárbara does not like this new development. It feels like we’re watching a messier Love Island, except on Love Island no one actually goes in the pool.
In an interview, Jess reasons that she’s only been in serious relationships, so this is her first time exploring, and she’s okay with “looking like a tosser.” She and Damo are two peas in a pod. Jess then explores by taking a shower with Solène. Later, everyone pitches in for dinner, and Jess and Bárbara awkwardly set the table together, not saying a single word. Jess, girl, what are you doing?! Jess and Solène are all over each other at dinner, and Bárbara gives us some great reaction faces.
Solène sums up the situation to Jess: “I kissed Damo. You kissed Bárbara. I don’t kiss Bárbara. But the night is not finished.” Except poor Bárbara is shedding tears in her interview. It feels like she’s lost two friends. Justice for Bárbara!
The next morning, they return to the yacht, exhausted from their two days off. As they turn over the boat, Fraser checks in with Bárbara, firmly on team Bárbara. He overestimates Jess, wondering what her game plan is, when she doesn’t have one. Fraser also witnesses Solène being frosty toward Rainbeau and gives the second stew some much-needed positive affirmation. It’s good to see Fraser finally getting involved with his stews.
Before the guests arrive, Bárbara pulls Jess for a talk. She feels like Jess lied to her about having nothing with Solène. Unlike Jess, Bárbara is not interested in kissing just to have fun. Jess apologizes, realizing she screwed up, but there’s not really anything to be done, since Jess doesn’t seem interested in trying to repair a romantic relationship with Bárbara. She’s choosing the emotionally unavailable straight girl over the mature, available gay girl. Oof.
This charter’s primaries are Helen and Richard, returning Below Deck guests from seasons six and seven. They’ve left good tips in the past, and boy, will they have to do so again to make up for their friend Kelly’s behavior. Helen owns a lingerie company, and all their friends also work in retail lingerie — it’s not quite strip-club owners or porn stars, but what is with the guest bookings this season? Can we not have one group of accountants? Better yet, treat some teachers or nurses to a well-deserved vacation.
During Fraser’s traditional welcome tour of the boat, we hear more of his safety speech than usual: When they’re moving and docking, the guests are only allowed on the sun deck. Hmm, why do I have a feeling they’re going to break this rule? I thought we’d have to wait to see this come to pass, but right away, Richard breaks the rules and tries to chat with Kerry as he navigates the narrow drawbridge. It’s like herding cats with these people as the deck crew scrambles to get the guests to the sundeck. They make it through the drawbridge by “a bee’s dick” distance. Two things I never care to see again: the St. David passing through this bridge and Anthony in his Instagram-style grid intro making that selfie face with his cat.
Livid, Kerry tells Hugo and Fraser that when it comes to safety, they don’t have to be polite. I don’t think this is true. Let’s at least try politeness first. Ultimately, what matters is that the captain’s unforgiving side has been activated.
The women guests all have the same mob wife look, so it’s nearly impossible to keep track of who’s who, other than Kelly, who is quickly becoming a problem. As they sit down to lunch, she’s visibly drunk and the others tell her to take it down a notch or five. She acts like a toddler who refuses to eat and wants to touch everything; she even pulls a bunch of beads off the centerpiece. When Kelly leaves the table, laser-focused on going on the banana boat, Kerry tells Helen that they’re going to have to cut off Kelly, and the primary is fully onboard with that.
Kelly goes to the swim deck, where Kerry tells her she has to wear a life vest or go inside. She dives into the water, ignoring him, and this is where the Kelly-ism gems begin. She lived in Hawaii. She’s been swimming since she was five. Jess gets in the water, and Kelly swims away, taunting, “Come chase me.” Kelly finally returns to the dock and blows the crew kisses, saying, “You’re welcome.” Thank you, indeed.
To Kerry, this is all a big “fuck you.” Production must want him to have a catch phrase to compete with all of Kelly’s one-liners, so in case you didn’t hear Kerry say, “We’ve got a friggin’ problem,” they put it as a huge title card on screen. Kerry says he’s going to call the authorities if Kelly won’t go inside, but she refuses. They try to keep her contained physically — she’s basically playing red rover with the deck team. Iconically, the rest of the guests are still eating lunch upstairs, unbothered by Kelly’s antics. I’m shocked by the time stamp that reminds us we’re less than three hours into this charter. How is Kelly already this belligerently intoxicated? Rainbeau thinks she must have been drinking before arriving, but I wonder if she’s mixing medications or drugs with the alcohol.
When they eventually manhandle Kelly inside despite her pillow-throwing resistance, the other guests try to calm her down, which does not work. Kelly yells that she hates everyone, the crew are assholes and, worse, Democrats! This is even funnier when you remember that Hugo’s the only American. Kelly whips out some “Do you know who my father is” energy, threatening that she has connections. She has the FBI in her family! Should I be worried about saying anything disparaging in this recap?
My favorite of the guests is Frank, who’s left alone at the lunch table “trying to stay away from all the drama.” On the other hand, Brian, who was arguing with Kelly earlier, looks smugly happy to witness her demise. Jennifer takes a more sympathetic approach, thinking that everyone’s been in Kelly’s position. The others swiftly (and correctly) shut this take down. Frank: “I never get like that, never in my entire life.” Keep an eye on Jennifer, folks.
Kelly asks to talk to Kerry in private, and he tricks her into entering a room then closes the door behind her and says he’ll come back in 20 minutes. Except there’s no actual lock: Hilariously, Damo has to manually hold the door closed. They let her friends into the makeshift holding cell, and they’re worried that this is going to ruin the tour. Sorry, cancel the charter. Kelly claims she has the FBI on the phone. Brian tells her that she has to get off the boat and sleep it off, but if she resists, the French police are there, ready to arrest her. We see three officers intimidatingly waiting on the tender. As Solène says, “Oh la la!” Sadly, we won’t find out if they actually detain her until next week. I know I’m sat.
From the Galley
• Damo and Hugo having a full-volume conversation next to a naked, sleeping Kyle was rude, right? They couldn’t take it outside?
• Shout-out to Hugo for taking notes in the preference-sheet meeting. Caio would never! Hugo and his clipboard are on it.
• I had to do a double take when one of the guests asked if Helen had her brass knuckles with her. She is not beating any mob-wife allegations.
